I am a Job Creator

I am a Job Creator

I am a job creator. That is my job, to create jobs. I have been entrusted with this most important job by the government and by the people.

I have the best job in the world. Nobody tells me what to do. I am my own boss. It’s all part of the agreement. The government can’t even tell me what to do; they have to stay out of my way. My job affords me the ultimate freedom. Wait, it gets even better. If I fail at this job, I don’t even get blamed for the failure. The same government that stays out of my way gets all the blame when I fail! I don’t even have to be good at my job. Those people who are just scraping to get by? Many of them are singing my praises. I am The Great Job Creator.

So, how does this all work?

Well, like I said, the government stays out of my way. Even though my job is to create jobs, nobody has given me a mandate to create jobs. Everybody loves me because my title says that I am the Great Job Creator, and I don’t even have to create jobs in order to benefit from this title. The government simply promises to stay out of my way, and then the same government tells everybody to watch me create jobs.

The government stays out of my way by giving me all kinds of tax breaks and subsidies, with a promise that it won’t interfere with my methods or choices. The government looks the other way no matter what I do. I am my own boss, and even the government won’t interfere. If I don’t create jobs, the government won’t blame me. The government will take the blame, and the people will vote for a different government — one which will offer me more of these same tax breaks and subsidies — and promise to do a better job of staying out of my way.

So now I have all these tax breaks, and the government won’t regulate what I do. I have a fantastic title, “Job Creator”, which I will make sure to use for self-promotion. But I don’t have any kind of mandate to actually create jobs. I have all this free money from the government. This is great. The government gives me all this money; the government tells everybody else that this money is because I am the Great Job Creator; the government doesn’t tell me what to do with this money; and everybody else pays the government, so that the government can turn around and give me the money!

Now, what should I do with all of this free money? Sure, I can use it to create jobs. But the money is mine! I can do anything I want with it. I don’t have to create jobs if I don’t want to, because I have no mandate and I don’t get blamed if I don’t live up to my title.

Well, let me assess my options. All of this money, and I am free to do what I want with it.

  1. I could spend this money on campaign contributions and lobbyists. The Supreme Court has said that there is no limit to the amount of money that I can use for this purpose. When I do this, I am exercising free speech – it says so right there in the First Amendment to the Constitution. At least that’s what the Supreme Court has ruled, and who am I to argue? The best part of this is that because I am the Great Job Creator, I have all of this money that the taxpayers have given to the government. I can use the people’s money and exercise my Constitutional rights. It costs a lot of money for political candidates to get elected and to stay in office. Job Creators like me are the only ones who have enough money to get candidates elected. Of course, the only reason I would want to spend money this way is if politicians promised to pass laws that would allow me to keep even more of the taxpayers’ money – and otherwise promise that the government would do a better job of staying out of my way.
  2. Hey, this is working out quite well for me. Politicians can’t get elected without my money, and I won’t give them my money unless they promise to give me more money! I really am my own boss, and I can tell the government what to do instead of the other way around. Of course, I don’t want the taxpayers who pay for all of this to know what is going on; otherwise, they will revolt – the government now works for me, and not for them, because I use THEIR money to exercise MY free speech. No problem, I’ll just spend some of the free money on a massive public relations campaign, so that the people will know not to get in the way of the Great Job Creator. I’ll buy up all of the news media, and then the taxpayers will only hear my voice, my talking points. I’ll just keep telling them that they need me because I am the Great Job Creator. The taxpayers will bow down in front of the Great Job Creator. One thing I won’t need to do is actually create jobs, but perhaps nobody will notice.
  3. The business of being a job creator isn’t all fun and game$, though. It’s a dog-eat-dog world for us job creators. With the government in our debt, and staying out of our way, only the strongest job creator will survive. I’ll have to spend time and money putting all of the little job creators out of business, and then more time and money forging mergers with the other big job creators. Once this is complete, I can control more of the taxpayers’ money because they will have to come to me whenever they need to buy something. Heck, they will have to come to me, on hands and knees, if they want a job. They won’t have anywhere else to go after the little job creators have been eliminated. They beg, and I can dictate the terms. They work for peanuts, or don’t work at all. They won’t complain about working conditions, because my money (actually their money, but it was given to me) has bought deregulation in my name (Job Creator!). Not only will workers accept my terms, but they will be grateful. They will tell everybody that the proof that I am a Great Job Creator is that I am the only one who will hire them. They won’t care to notice that I have eliminated all of the competition. They also won’t know that they are working on my terms, because with my power over the government I will see to it that workers don’t have a chance to organize. I won’t actually create jobs, but since I am the only one left who will hire workers, they think I create jobs.
  4. Of course, with the taxpayers footing the bill, and with me as the Great Job Creator dictating the wages of the workers, there won’t be much reason for me to actually use my money on job creation. The government has promised to stay out of my way, and the government has assumed blame if I fail to create jobs. So I can find other ways to use my money. I can put it in banks. I can even become a bank. I can take my money out of the country, and the taxpayers will never see it again. If I need to hire workers, I can find cheaper ones in third-world countries.
  5. I could play this straight, and actually use this money to hire workers and pay them a fair wage according to how much money they make for me. If they are more productive, I’ll have more money to pay them. I make money, and they make money. But this is free money for me! The government gives me this money with no strings attached. Why should I actually create jobs when I have no incentive to do so? Why should I pay workers a fair wage when the alternative is for me to keep the money for myself? Why should I share my new-found wealth with the workers who helped me obtain it? It’s my money, so that means that I “earned” it. You wouldn’t want to take money away from me after I earned it, would you? That would make you a socialist and an outcast in this great country. What are you, a communist? These workers are already paying my share of taxes in order for me to have all of this free money. If they didn’t have to do that, they would have more money to spend. If they had more money to spend, then perhaps I would have an incentive to create more jobs.

Wait, this means that if the masses of people had more money to spend, I would have an incentive to actually create jobs. If the government didn’t give me all of this free money in order to anoint me the Great Job Creator, the people would have more money to spend, and I would have an incentive to actually create jobs. If I didn’t have the money to pay politicians and lobbyists in order to guarantee that the taxpayers would give me more money, and to make sure that I could get away with exploiting workers, then the people would have more money to spend, and I would have an incentive to create jobs. If I didn’t take wealth that I got from my title as Job Creator, and send it overseas, then there would be more money here for people to buy things, and I would have an incentive to create jobs. If I paid the workers a living wage, so that they could afford to buy things, then I would have an incentive to create jobs. If I spent more of my time and money making things that people want to buy, and less time and money making sure that customers and workers have nowhere else to go, then people could afford to buy more things, and I’d have an incentive to create jobs.

That’s all fine and good – actually creating jobs as opposed to being anointed as The Great Job Creator. But it is a lot more work. And there is no free money for me. I need this free money because I spend some of it telling people that they simply need to work harder and quit looking for a handout from the government.

Some people are just lazy and jealous. They want what I have earned.

Jerry Wyant